Emotions play a crucial role in our daily lives and influence so much of how we think, feel, and behave. However, they have long been undervalued and misunderstood and many of us struggle to deal with them effectively. Here, I look at why ‘sweeping it all under the carpet’ isn’t the most helpful response to handling difficult emotions, and offer some suggestions of what to do instead.
Why dealing with some emotions is challenging
One of the reasons we may struggle to deal with emotions is because they make us uncomfortable. We don’t know what to do when we or someone we love is suffering so we try to make it go away as quickly as possible. Common advice we might have heard from an early age are things like, “chin up”, “stay strong”, or, “big girls/boys don’t cry”. In the same vein; “don’t be so sensitive”, “don’t make a fuss”, “it’s not a big deal”.
Although these sentiments are often delivered with good intention – or at least due to lack of knowing better – unfortunately, they can add an extra layer of stress and pressure to what we’re already feeling. Being asked to resist what we’re feeling also contributes to the idea that emotions are taboo and something to run away from. It might even cause us to feel unsafe to feel the way that we do. If you’re going through a difficult time, it hardly helps to have someone pressuring you to “cheer up” or “snap out of it”.
The effects of suppressed emotions
Sweeping emotions under the rug is not a viable option for the long term. We can do it for a little while, but eventually, they will rear their head one way or another. For example, have you ever found it challenging to express a deeper anger or frustration towards your partner – only to one day find it all spilling out because of the way they fill the dishwasher? Or, after having suppressed some sadness for a while, found yourself crying at a TV commercial?
A long-term build up of suppressed emotions can also contribute to tension in the body, a feeling of general stress and un-ease, lowered immune system, mental health issues, strained relationships and difficulty achieving personal and professional goals.
An unintended consequence is that we may find it difficult to truly connect with others and to be seen. This makes sense, because in the act of suppression, we are consciously or subconsciously wearing a mask. Because we aren’t owning our full authenticity, we also cannot show up completely authentically with others, and so of course, we won’t feel fully seen.
An unintended consequence of suppressing emotions is that we may find it difficult to truly connect with others and to be seen. This makes sense, because in the act of supression, we are consciously or subconsciously wearing a mask.
Coping mechanisms
Stagnant or suppressed emotions may lead to us developing coping mechanisms that might damage us in the long run. For example, through numbing behaviours such as overeating, drinking, smoking. Or (online) shopping, excessive social media use, or the need for constant stimulation or distraction. in other words – anything that helps us not to feel the depth of our emotion in the short term. This, however, has negative consequences in the long term. Besides the obvious consequences related to the individual coping mechanism/s, we’ll also end up living in a state where we cannot relax into simple presence, leaving us in a constant fight-or-flight mode.
Furthermore, suppressing feelings can cause stuck energy within us, which may lead to a temporary emotion becoming a constant mood or temperament. It may also prevent us from taking action on what we actually want or need, thereby stagnating our development.
How to handle your emotions:
Feel what you’re feeling
The good news about emotions is this: by allowing ourselves to feel our emotions fully, by actively making a commitment to meet our needs and then make any adjustments that the emotion is asking us to make, emotions often actually pass through more quickly than we might think.
One of the most important things to know first of all when it comes to emotions, is that it’s okay to feel how you feel. It is completely normal that as a result of being a human on this planet – with all of life’s inevitable challenges, losses, and difficulties – to experience painful emotions at times.
One of the most important things to know first of all when it comes to emotions, is that it’s okay to feel how you feel. It is completely normal that simply as a result of being a human on this planet, with everything that’s going on here, with all of life’s inevitable challenges, losses, and difficulties, to experience painful emotions at times. You probably have a very valid reason to feel however you feel.
Your emotions are useful messengers – they often have something to tell you, or some need that they’re showing you you need to fulfil. When we work with this instead of against it, we can often make great progress towards integration and wellness.
Remember emotions are impermanent
At the same time, you are not only your emotions, even though they may feel extremely overwhelming at times. Emotions are like the weather, or currents in an ocean. Some teachings compare them to a guest that comes to visit for tea.
In any case, emotions are changeable and impermanent by nature. Is it possible for you to find that sense of spaciousness around what it is that you’re feeling, while feeling it fully and listening to the messages it has? When we’re able to be with the core emotion of an experience, we’re able to let it pass through the most smoothly.
Mainly, the purpose is to create an environment in which we can look at ourselves with compassion and love. A space where we release the harshness or judgement that we might have picked up from our environment or society. That we realise that it’s okay, we’re human, and emotions are part of the deal. We can be safe and loved through whatever it is that we’re feeling.
Dealing with Difficult Emotions
In my program, Dealing with Difficult Emotions, we’ll look at a range of challenging emotions, including fear, sadness, restlessness, anxiety, anger & frustration, jealousy and resentment, shame, and self doubt and I’ll be offering offer you exercises and meditations to support you in dealing with whatever you’re going through.
